We are LOCKed (again)
Behind our doors, our screens, the walls, and the fence line.
Our smiles are locked behind the mask, and the smiles are fading quickly. Quicker each time.
We are also DOWN.
Goals gone,
stresses high,
sleeping in strange cycles,
Wild dreams,
Sleepwalking,
Sleep talking,
Day drinking,
On the beers,
No drinking,
Overeating,
Dieting.
Facetime catch-ups
To leave me alone...
This is Lockdown 6 in Victoria.
Tracksuits and loungewear.
Makeup drying out.
Grandpa will be so proud of the eyebrows I can grow.
Dry shampoo running low. Tied up, move on no time for beautiful
Suits, jeans, school uniforms, lunch boxes were all washed and away again.
A new addiction - tatts tickets bought like they are the ticket to freedom.
Coffee
Get the kids out of the pantry!
Get me out of the fridge!
Don’t you say MUM one more time!!
Hello! There is nothing there, there is nothing here.
The brakes on our dreams halted, screeching with uncontrollable uncertainty.
My chest is tight, and I can’t breathe like I used to. There is a weight that is heavy in the air.
I had the most rewarding experience, I wouldn’t call it a job in 2019 of teaching and spreading the love of art to anyone who wanted to hear it. Where I could feel the goodness that I was doing. I could sense the changes and real pure love I was giving to people. It was bright, it was living.
My husband was “living the dream” flying.
We were living. I was still searching for happiness. What a Fool because now I can see how blissful I was.
A bandaid went rip.
My art turned dark, deep, and lost.
The art started to yell, cry and stomp.
Meditation stopped, self-love stopped and art stopped and died.
The lights have turned off.
No art, means I am morphing into someone I don’t want to be. I can feel it. I reach back for a pencil, Ivy and I start coloring in Bluey together.
See that door. We can exit it, we can walk and talk and walk. But it’s easy to lay in front of the fire and watch mind-numbing useless buzzing screens. The couch is worn and warm. The winter sun comes in and my eyes close to escape to a new world.
See that door. We don’t know now how to open it. It becomes our mental door locking us in, creating, and feeding our introverted anxieties. The wind blows, the trees dance and sing. The grass grows and spring flowers and budding. At the same time, we are growing but not outwards and up. We are growing but not blooming.
“We are all in this together” and the rich get rich and the small business owners are hanging on the edge of a cliff.
The leaders of our country infuriate me. Patting themselves on the back for a good job doing nothing. Giving out money for only the votes they need or to themselves. The Fat Cats are feeding themselves and licking their lips. Nothing in their home life has changed they can feel secure they can stay home and not worry where the next buck is coming from. They are not having mum guilts bad about the kids not learning enough while we are earning to feed them.
The media is misleading, rude, and one-sided: to the extreme that the conspiracy theories are flowing freely because we know we can not place an ounce of truth in what is printed, voiced, or shown on that tv program called “the news”.
Our “leaders” have pussyfooted and thrown little tantrums over who has the gold medal in hotel quarantine, whose fault it all is. The states carry on like brats, while their parents (Scomo) are nowhere to be found.
and social media is burning holes in people’s eyes! Anger is growing. I am broken.
Is it me, or wouldn’t it be nice that we can work together? The lines need to come down, the states not in a lockdown can boost the states that are falling, hand over the job keeper to the kids that cant work. Can we not uniform, high-five each other, and lift our island up?
“Mum”, said Ivy “the safest place for me is with you”. Well yes at the moment. How do I answer this as one day we will go out the door and back to school.
We will cry and be late as she doesn’t want to go back. And the circle will begin again
Two Exhibitions have been, delayed.
That is okay.
My dreams have been delayed, just tucked away for another day. Again.
It’s okay to be crushed a little.
Be sad a little. A little what if this was the exhibition that made my art seen… What if this was an exit from the mundane.
But here’s the secret I am relieved because I don’t know how to exit that door to be social and on the show again. See I said it will be okay.
Last night I said Hey Mate… I’m sorry we can’t go to Frozen for your Birthday as I promised, I was hyped, I was excited about it too. I was so stupid, I am angry that I thought living life was even possible. To have something to look forward to.
But also last night I smiled to the side just a little bit.
Because I have time with my family again.
The need for a “real” full-time (that feels like it bleeds into my after hours, into my dreams, and breaks my spirit) that pulls and rips me away from my family can slow for a week. While I work behind my screen, I see my 2 in their PJs, hair a mess, and teeth only just brushed before lunch. They are safe. They are happy enough and they brighten the day.
Good Morning to my Puppys, the bunny (some would call her my spirit animal), the happy chickens, and the lizard.
Delighted to work with a rabbit peering over the screen. Or the tail wagging at my feet.
They humor me, they love me and they adore the lockdowns. And I have time to sit and watch, walk and laugh and play.
A ball toss outside is fresh air and killing some time.
To be away from the office, to work from the couch, the walk, to be in my safe place is lovely. To start off with.
It will burn and drag but on the 1st day of lockdown and one day until the weekend, I will take it slow. Be kind and dream.
If you are not locked down, enjoy, be merry, and send love. But still please look at a vax! Speak to the doctor that you trust, don’t trust the government, don’t trust the media, or the conspiracy theory online!
If you are locked down. Be gentle and kind. Be gentle and kind to yourself.
It’s okay to cry, laugh, and be lazy.
It’s okay not to enjoy this rollercoaster that keeps stopping upside down.
It’s okay to miss your loved ones, to have your heart broken when you can’t be there for them.
It is also to be selfish, we are all coping with this in different ways.
Some people are up and some people are down. Take on what you can and leave behind what you can’t. That is all that can be asked of you.
As lost as we can feel, we are safe and here.
This is lockdown 6 the ride. Grab the remote and change the channel.